


The Raven and a Crow

by inadistantworld



Series: Rare Pair Week [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: An Atheist Hopes a God has Good Advice, Friendship Prompt, It's Not Faith but it's Something Else, Looking to a God for Help, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 13:12:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11990520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inadistantworld/pseuds/inadistantworld
Summary: Percy doesn't think they'll make it through any of this and wants someone to talk to but doesn't want to put that on his friends. Instead he goes to The Raven Queen, goddess of fate and the moment of death, hoping she will have something to say that sets his mind at ease.He regrets going almost immediately.He will never be a religious man but that doesn't mean he's faithless.





	The Raven and a Crow

**Author's Note:**

> I've always thought if there was ever a god that Percy could almost like it would be The Raven Queen, despite not really liking her much at all. I kind of thought that she had the bluntness he liked but also everything in riddles and thought provoking statements, but most importantly I thought he could relate to her. Also it must be terribly lonely being a god.  
> Posted this to my tumblr and there's another one I'm posting there as well that I don't like quite as much. If you're interested my username is the same and I'm tagging everything there as "cr fic".

It seemed poetic that this would all end in Vasselheim. Of course maybe they could get the trammels made and make it to Vecna before he started what Percy was sure would be an assault on the city, but somehow Percy knew it wouldn’t be like that. Not that easy. It never was. And Vasselheim, the oldest city, the city believed to be the beginning of all life, the city where the oldest temples to the gods resided, the holiest city, the city that feared almost all magic, was the perfect place to begin the end of the world. Even if Vecna had been setting up shop across the world Percy knew it would be here first.

Vox Machina had stopped in Vasselheim and Vax had visited the Raven Queen for another bead of power and Grog had tried to go to Kord and now they were just spending the night in Vasselheim, recovering spells and making plans before diving into a volcano. And Percy couldn’t sleep.

Vex’s arms were wrapped around his waist and her nose was cold against the back of his neck. He was amazed she was sleeping at all, but they all knew they needed to. What they had to do in the morning wasn’t going to go to plan and it wasn’t going to be easy. They needed their sleep. And yet Percy found none. ~~~~

He slowly, carefully slipped from Vex’s grasp. She mumbled in her sleep and her hands found purchase on his pillow and she drew it close to her body and settled back down. Percy pulled on a set of trousers and a loose shirt. He left his jacket and Cabal’s Ruin with the rest of his equipment, maybe not the safest decision in such dangerous times, but he figured if Vecna came upon them now in the dark and found Percy where he was going then it was too late anyways.

He tugged on his boots, looked at Vex one last time, her long hair spread out across the bed, probably taking up more room than the both of them combined had been, and smiled. And then he walked out the door.

He found himself at the temple of The Raven Queen sooner than he anticipated and found it eerily empty, just like the last time he had gone. He walked through the temple, his footsteps echoing uncomfortably against the marble and high ceilings. There was no voice drawing him in this time, no shadows on the wall to follow, but he knew the way and soon found himself standing in front of the perfectly still pool. It looked like a darker piece of marble in the center of the room, but Percy knew what it was.

He stripped slowly, feeling extraordinarily exposed despite the fact that he was alone. He set his clothes a safe distance away and slowly waded into the blood. When he was up to his chin his breathing became short and his heart pounded in his chest, remembering his last and only time he had done this. He pushed past his fear and swam under.

He didn’t take the breath at first, not until the panic began to set in. He hated this. It reminded him of when he’d been drifting in the water after his escape, only here it was even colder and the blood was thicker. This time he didn’t try to swim away though and instead forced himself to inhale.

His body resisted at first as blood filled his lungs and once again he was sure he would die here, leave his friends alone to face Vecna, leave Vex alone.

And then he was floating, the blood was no longer heavy and sticky against his skin, there was no floor to touch or surface to break free from, and when he opened his eyes he saw the white porcelain mask of the Raven Queen in front of him.

“Percival.” The lips of the mask didn’t move, which was expected yet still unnerving as the voice echoed around him, seeming to come from everywhere at once.

“Hello again.” Percy’s white hair and pale skin shone like a light in the black, much like the mask did, and his naked body seemed terribly fragile.

“You have returned.”

“Yes, I have.” Percy paused for a long time but the Raven Queen did not speak, seeming to be waiting for him. “You once told me I was broken. Am broken. And then you followed it up by saying everyone is broken. It is…something that has been on my mind a lot recently.” He waited again but the Raven Queen said nothing. He changed the conversation. “I never thought Vax would become so religious. Even after accepting his title I didn’t think he’d have so much faith. He rivals even Pike at this point. I thought everything had been just for Vex’ahlia. I didn’t think it would end up being so much to him.”

“He is the Champion I have waited ages for. Would you have given yourself so wholeheartedly for her?”

“Then or now?” He asked with a small, almost nervous laugh.

“The answer is the same.”

His smile faded and became serious. “It is. I would do everything in my power to save her. But I…am not sure faith is in my power.”

“Faith is not a power in a mortal’s control. Vax’ildan did not decide to believe, he decided to listen to my requests. It is not the same as faith, that comes from something else.”

“And you will take him from us soon.” Percy didn’t try and hide the accusation.

“I do not take or steal lives, Vax’ildan walks to me willingly. As all do in the end.”

Percy changed topics without warning again, “Are you broken as well?”

“I was mortal once. And indeed I was broken then.”

“That was not my question. What are you now?”

“Now? I am shattered. I am not mortal any longer, and while the work I do is good it is a heavier burden than any being can bear. Godhood breaks all gods the way your bullets destroy glass. It is why we find Champions.” This time Percy didn’t answer and the Raven Queen took her turn to carry the conversation forward. “You did not like what I said last time we spoke.”

“I do not like what you are saying now,” he admitted with a slight turn of his head.

“And yet you returned.”

“What can I say,” Percy smirked, “I’m used to being covered in blood. Feels a bit like home by now.”

“Yes, I have seen. And yet your victims do not have me to guide them in their death.” Her voice remained emotionless but could guess what she thought about it. Vecna also stole souls from her, and perhaps it wasn’t the same but he was not a good man. He was better now, perhaps he wasn’t evil, but he had never been good.

“No…they don’t. I am sorry for that.”

“You are only human.” For a moment Percy felt like she was a mother comforting a child, and like a petulant teenager it made him scowl. The Raven Queen ignored his obvious distaste. “What has brought you to me, Percival?”

He closed his eyes, “I was not sure who to turn to.”

“You are seeking a companion in me?”

“I…yes I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.” Percy wanted to pace, to fidget with something in his coat pocket, to do something, but he wasn’t even really standing. “We are facing your enemy. Facing the enemy of the world. And I do not…for once I wish to continue on. For me. For a very long time I wanted to die. I did not want to keep suffering like that. And then my reason became vengeance. I always assumed after I had gotten that I would have nothing else. But I had Cassandra again. And it was Vex who pulled me from my darkest moment,” Percy smiled softly, “all my darkest moments really. But in truth I didn’t have a real reason for staying alive. Even when we went against Thordak I thought it would be a spectacular way to go. As a hero. I was always a monster but I thought maybe…maybe I could die a hero like that. But I didn’t. And now, more than anything, I want to survive this. I want to go back to Whitestone with my sister and my _wife_. And I want to help Keyleth with her people and I want to see Taryon again and see how his new life is going for him. And I want to watch Grog and Pike in the Crucible, visit Pike’s temples that she keeps building. And I want Kaylie and Scanlan to spend time in Whitestone, or visit them in Marquet perhaps. I want to see Vax and Keyleth live happily ever after. I want to be at their wedding they can’t have anymore. For once I want to live and I am keenly aware of how very unlikely it is. And I know you cannot save me, you cannot stop any of this, but I thought perhaps you would understand. You might be the only one.”

“Am I? Your love would not? Your friends? My champion?”

Percy scoffed, “Your champion has sought to martyr himself since before he even knew your name. You might even be the woman of his dreams. And my love and my friends have no option but to believe that they will win. They joke and they know how serious this is, but they can’t talk about it. Not seriously. The second they acknowledge that we can’t go against a would be god is when they give up. They have no choice but to believe they will win. But I thought…perhaps I could talk to you about it instead. You were close by and Vax finds some solace in you or he would not be the way he is.”

“You will die, Percival.”

“I’m strangely beginning to regret this decision to talk to you.”

Percy thought he saw the faintest shrug in the shadow of her shoulders. “It is human to die. It is the most human thing there is. It defines you.”

“Everything I am is human. Destined to die. A remorseless killer. A soul stealer or soul damner, whichever you prefer. Broken.”

“Is there something else you wish to be?” The mask tilted to the side with interest, a strange thing to see with the emotionless mask.

“No,” Percy snapped.

“Humans also lie,” she said.

“Another thing to add to the list, then. Liar.”

“Why would you want more than your mortality? Your humanity?” Humanity. Percy almost laughed and thought about correcting her choice of words, but decided against telling a god she was wrong.

“I have made deals with demons. I have saved the world. I have killed people who deserved to suffer in hell for eternities. And I am only human? Vax has been with me for it all. Vex’ahlia is my other half. Scanlan left for over a year, disappeared to fuck off doing whatever he wanted, and yet I am exactly the same as when they found me? I am just as good, aren’t I?” His voice broke and he coughed to try and cover it up. But there, it was out. He said it.

“Vax has faith,” was all she said.

“Faith,” he huffed.

“Percival, you sought me after Vax spoke with me here. Why did you come the first time?”

“There are many temples here in Vasselheim, yours seemed as good as any. And I trust Vax’s judgment.”

“You are not a believer and yet you inhaled the blood. You did not know you would survive.”

“In my defense I thought I was dying and couldn’t swim out.” He crossed his arms over his chest and he looked away, but when his turned his head her face was in front of him again.

She ignored him, “You are not faithful and yet in your most dire moment you return to me. You have believed you were running from fate your entire life. That if you stopped running it would catch up to you. You believed you were fighting it and that you were winning even. Have you considered your destiny was to rise from everything like a phoenix from the ashes?”

Percy frowned, “The times I should have died greatly outnumber when I should have won, that does not seem like fate is on my side, like you are on my side.”

“And yet here you stand. You fight beside my champion, alongside the Voice of the Tempest, alongside the Dawndaughter and Pike of the Everlight, beside the goliath Kord so obviously favors, with the Knowing Mistress’s champion . You stand among the greatest group of people that have come together in centuries and they rely on you as heavily as you rely on them. The magic you command, the weapon you have created, you helped delay Vecna from coming to power much earlier, everything you have done has put you on the same level as the friends you compare yourself against.”

Percy blinked in shock, “It’s not like that. I am not like them,” he said weakly, “They are infinitely better. They were chosen not because of what was in their hand but because of what was in their heart.” It was a drastic change from what he had said only moments ago, that he was as good as them but remained unrecognized, and yet this sounded more truthful.

“You still believe yourself a monster? After all you have done to help?”

“The best way to get away with being a monster is to pretend you are a hero.”

“Do you think I have no watched you? That I have not guided your threads in subtle ways? I am very aware of what is in your heart,” she held up one long, shadowy finger and tied to the tip was a golden thread that stretched across the space between them and when Percy looked down found that it was embedded in the center of his chest. “and it is something to be proud of. It is a heart worth the pain.”

Percy couldn’t say he believed her, “I am what I am.”

“You are not alone. You may believe a god has not chosen you because your heart is tainted, because you are not good enough. Because you lack the humanity. But a god has not chosen you because you have not chosen a god.” Percy’s eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to argue but she continued, “You look at Scanlan who seems to have no faith in Ioun and Vex’ahlia who had only recently begun to speak to Pelor and place her faith in him. But in the moment they made their decision. They may not have been devout. They may not even be now. But they stood before a god and said ‘I give you all of me,’ in the same way you do when you look at Vex’ahlia.”

“I am not worth giving to a god.” He wanted to add that he wasn’t good enough to give to Vex, that she was on the same level as every god he’d met so far, but if Vex ever suspected him thinking that way again she’d find a million ways to prove him wrong. It had taken time but he was getting better and that meant not denying himself the woman he loved.

“That is not for you to decide. But it is not for me either. There is something you have instead of faith, and while it doesn’t give you the blessing of a god I believe it gives you something you need more.”

Percy quirked an eyebrow, “What do I need more than aid against Vecna?”

“You built a temple to me in Whitestone. While you built it for Vax’ildan it was still in your home and it was not something you had to do, not even something you were asked to do. And you have spent a fair amount of time over the last year standing in its doorway.”

It was true. Percy enjoyed his late night walks and the ones he took alone often ended at the shrine to the Raven Queen with him standing in the threshold, debating if he should go in or not, but always turned and left. It had never occurred to him that she would be watching.

“You are not one of my followers, you are not religious, and you are not my champion. But after all I have seen I believe you trust me. It is not religious faith but it something much more human. And perhaps that makes us something more like friends.”

Percy blinked, “Friends? I don’t think—”

“You are in need of friends, Percy, and if you won’t follow me as a goddess perhaps I can help you as a friend. Besides, I have enjoyed our talks.” The white mask leaned forward and in an almost teasing voice, “And between you and me, you and Vax’ildan are the only two who are good conversationalists. Now, you have a lot to do in the morning. I suggest you get some rest.”

Percy’s head broke through the thick, heavy surface and he was gasping for breath and coughing up the syrup like consistency that coated his throat and lungs. He washed and redressed before returning to his room and sliding back into Vex’s arms.

“Did you have a nice walk, darling?” She mumbled and pulled him tighter to her.

“I did. I believe tomorrow will go well. At least as well as it can for us.”

She laughed softly, “It’s strange to hear you so optimistic.” She breathed deeply and wrinkled her nose, “You smell like my brother, we’ll have to get you a good bath before we leave in the morning.”


End file.
